Decisions Decisions

The $80,000 question: What do I do for the rest of existence?

What I studied in undergrad is part of the industry I decided in my fourth year of that dastardly five-year program--seven years depending on what part of the globe you happen to be standing on--to go into and while I love architecture, I figured that one of the perks I'd get by selling out is being able to boss around architects, which I must admit I've thoroughly enjoyed. But I'm so not feeling it right now, man. Haven't been feeling it for several months now, maybe a year. Problem is, I don't quite have my finger on

(The 60 Minutes preview just had a man say how when he saw--I believe he said--the shark, he knew he was going to die. But he's there doing the interview. And why is the--and I hate to say this cos I have a friend who thinks otherwise--ugly girl from Beloved/Set It Off strutting around on CBS with that bad weave?? Why can't they get black hair and make-up people on these shows?????)

what it is I want to do professionally. I hate that my current career doesn't give me the creative outlet I had in design studio. (I do still get the shivers remembering my procrastination-induced sleepless studio nights, cursing at myself and swearing that next time I'd start a whole month before jury instead of a week and a half before.) And I've started feeling uncomfortable about making money off what is in a lot of cases other people's misfortune

(and let's not talk about my recent private obsession with the environmental impact of the building industry, so much so that I asked about it at a job interview this week...they said I was overqualified, but that may not be why I didn't get the job)

or at least their ignorance, and I don't want to work for a firm where the community gets the short end of the stick. I do publication design as a hobby and will succumb to the occasional friend asking for custom-made wedding/party invites, and I've done the interior design for a party--no, it's not just decorating--but being the fickle person I can be, I'm not sure I can sustain my love for these ventures; you know how you ruin a hobby by turning it into work?

I guess I could keep looking for a job in my field and take photography classes, something I've always wanted to do. (A thousand curses on my college's photography dept for phasing out the program...or at least I think that's what they did to keep me out of their hair.) The thing is, I was raised in a society where anything outside of the rigidity of medicine, engineering, architecture--and that may be a little "artsy"--accounting, and business is so not considered a real job. Psychiatry? Writing?? Fashion??? Music???? ACTING?????????

Hell no, not on our watch, my beloved Nigerians holler. Even the foreheads of my open-minded (except where it comes to my choice in men) family would most likely crease up if I ever said I wanted to venture into the arts/humanities. And I'm guilty too; I have to admit that I've always thought we should leave these things to the West. The way I've always seen it, they can afford to be "creative" or engaged in intellectual discourse, but we still have a long-ass way to go, so we need "professionals" to contribute towards our economic development.

But with each successive generation we become more forgiving of these abominations. So maybe I can free myself of my people's snobbery and "find myself." Maybe that would curb my generosity with what my mother recently called my artistic temperament.



I still don't know what I want to do. Damn!